Archive for October, 2012

October 26, 2012

The Future of Hockey

by Jacob Saltiel

In my day…

Years from now, a crusty old man will try to explain what the sport of hockey once was:
“Now, gather round grandchildren and let me tell you about this thing called ‘hockey’. This was way back in the winter of, I think it was ’12- yes, you heard right, ’12- before Harper’s Canada traded all of it’s French-speakers to China for favourable oil trade agreements and before Harper’s Canada became Harper’s Canadian-American State. So, this must have about, oh, say, heh, must be going on 80 years now. … Where was I? Yes, hockey, now there was a sport, not at all like this thuggish wishy-washy robot fighting that’s on that TelepatheticVision garbage these days. You probably can’t understand it because these days it’s only robots that play the violent sports, but back then, you could watch real people put on a thin plastic bucket for a helmet and fly around on a sheet of ice (your father’s fantastic generation got rid of that too) with blades on their feet, they were called skates- hey I’m talking here, I’m talking here aren’t I, I fed you didn’t I? You could have pulled the plug, what is it now, 28 years ago and you didn’t have what it took for that either so let me finish. God and damn it. And get me another beer. Yeah, so, hockey. It was the wild west in those days. Wait, you won’t understand what I mean, but, you know about Southeast Asia right? Like that but with better hats and maybe fewer infections. Totally lawless. They probably fought a little more than they should have and probably should have spent much more time on the dekes inspired by some alien geometry and moving at odd angles that seemed to defy physics and freeze your heart for a second before they put the puck in the net, but, ah, look at me rattle on. I could go on here. Here, you and you and take these and download them before you upload yourself to class for the day. It’s from this thing called the CBC, yes, gold star Jimmy, that is the Canadian Broadcasting Commission, which used to make Canadian content by Canadians for Canadians, and they used to make movies out of hockey footage and play the latest faddy pop music over it. (Winking) We’re all Americans now, right? Don’t tell your parent’s I have this. Have a good day, okay, bye bye now. Go kiss your ma- where’s my beer? Coors Light? Shoulda pulled the plug.”